5th December 2018
Ok, so this is going to be loooong. Also honest, so much so I feel a little apprehensive posting it. I wanted to write a post that explained my break and what has been going on with me since I have been away, and about how I will be operating in a slightly different way now I’m back. Mainly how I present myself for bookings, and my availability and correspondence.
Before the great disappearing act of 2017, I was pretty exhausted. I had taken on a few too many things and I was struggling to manage, and to be honest I was starting to not really enjoy doing this anymore. I found I always felt tired and drained and it was no longer something I looked forward too, no matter who I was meeting or what we were doing. I had began to feel quite unhappy, and definitely was displaying symptoms of burn out. For some reason it took me a while to accept that my intuition was saying “Stop doing it”. Despite what some may think, it takes quite a lot of time and effort to establish yourself in this industry, especially in London. In the beginning you may get enquiries but it is a long road to achieve the visibility that is required to attract enough regular enquiries from people you would actually want to see, people who you click with and are respectful and trustworthy. There is a lot of competition, a lot of ropes to learn and pitfalls to avoid, especially being independent and figuring it all out by yourself. I felt I had put a lot of time into this and built a solid group of lovely, regular patrons who I not only enjoyed spending time with but that I could trust, and I also had the perfect apartment for incalls (which is super difficult to find, there is always something the matter with them). I have friends who did the same thing and took a break for a while, and they all complained when they returned about how hard it was to re-establish themselves, and felt they had to start again from the beginning. If I stopped for a break for too long, I was in danger of losing all of that, and so it felt like if I made that decision it would be a final exit. Then I remembered, “this isn’t your career!” This was meant to be a part time side venture, it wasn’t my sole source of income anymore, I had saved the money I had set out to, and been financially careful. There was no reason to carry on if I didn’t find it fun anymore, somehow I had built it into an obligation and got my priorities totally messed up. So I stopped, and spent a lovely year full of self care, self discovery and working my arse off at my actual career.
So when I started having the urge to return, I was slightly apprehensive, was I looking back through rose tinted specs? Was this just me being impulsive? Having a boring week? I carefully analysed my reasons and decided that before I would make any decisions I wanted to make sure I would not end up in the same place as last time. I worked out some of the things I felt had contributed to my dissatisfaction and one of the main reasons for that feeling was agreeing/partaking in to too many bookings. Also you’d be surprised at the amount of behind the scenes admin involved, maintaining social media, bookkeeping, advertising, screening, references and correspondence. Keeping on top of all this in a timely, organised manner was taking a lot of my time, and was a source of stress when it started to get out of hand and a source of guilt if I didn’t get back to people/missed their emails. I had too much on my plate as it was, and I forgot that as an introvert, it’s important for me to make sure I take adequate me-time so I can recharge. I definitely wasn’t doing this, I saw it as self indulgent instead of necessary self care that my body was telling me I obviously required. I know I am tremendously lucky to have such a lovely bunch of clients that want to and make the time to try and see me regularly, especially with the seemingly infinite amount of gorgeous ladies floating around out there (honestly, if I was a bloke, I would be broke), but agreeing to meet up before I had thought about whether I actually had the energy and time to give was not a good idea, I was drinking too much in order to cover up my exhaustion and behave in a fun way and that was very bad for me. So going forward I promised myself that as much as I might want to see someone, or not let them down, this must not get in the way or affect my main priorities (career, relationships, self care & personal interests). So that is rule number one. Therefore, expect periods of silence and unavailability when I go under the radar to focus on whatever else I feel I need to.
The second thing I decided was that I needed to drop a lot of the pressure I had allowed to surround bookings. I can sometimes lean towards being a bit of a people-pleaser, and I am definitely a bit of an over thinker, this can be a positive thing as it makes me a conscientious and considerate person, and also perceptive and intuitive, but I often found myself far too consumed worrying about my date having a good time. Worrying was my conversation interesting and engaging enough, was my company positive and lively enough, was I bringing enough energy, did they think I looked good enough, did they like what I was wearing… ad nauseam. I want to make clear that I still do wish for my clients to enjoy our dates, and it will always be a main priority, but at the same time I am also a human being who has lots going on her own life, and I think that those who have met me understand that, that is why they contacted me in the first place. The number one response I get when I ask what drew people to me was that they wanted a genuine connection with someone real and said they had felt that through my words, and a connection with a real person involves the sharing of more than only the most positive of emotions and experiences. So I realised it was harsh (and kinda stupid) to be holding myself to these ridiculous standard of perfection that no one should be expecting of a real person.
Although it wasn’t just emotional standards, I found that I had started to fixate far too much on my physical appearance too, it was consuming far too much of my time and thoughts in a very unhealthy way. A big part of advertising as a provider today is your social media presence, and although I’m not fond of it, I found that having an account on at least one platform was a pretty mandatory part of operating. Not only is it a way to connect people to you, people who see your website first find that having a social media account to back it up reassures them that you are genuine, and not just someone who has paid a copywriter to construct a persona. Also I’ve been told that it helped people feel like they got to see me in a more informal way, see my candid photos, my thoughts on things, a glimpse into my day to day. Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat are the main choices, but I couldn’t face maintaining three different platforms so I settled on just Twitter. I was soon involved in what is affectionately termed “heaux twitter”, and as much as I enjoyed interacting with other SWs, I found that the exposure to hundreds of beautiful photos caused quite a bit of body anxiety in me. My feed was literally awash with absolutely gorgeous females, who were (as much as I tried not to think of it like that) my competition, so it was hard to not compare yourself, and forget that behind each great photo are often many not so flattering ones. Also, as much as when I vet prospective clients on what it they’re seeking, and filter out ones that are obviously just looking for nothing more than sex with a beautiful fantasy, I know that for almost everyone I have met that my appearance being of a certain standard has been extremely important. I know it is definitely not the main reason they wished to meet me, but it’s pretty up there. As I do not show my face, there is often the phenomenon of people projecting their idea of the perfect face hiding behind the blur, and I often found myself very worried about meeting those standards, even with the validation and compliments of the majority, it can be all be eaten away by one thoughtless comment by person who didn’t read my site properly and was expecting someone in their early 20s, dressed in in heels and a bandage dress, or someone with with no tattoos! It would just create a lot of anxiety for me, and a new unhealthy fixation on my appearance and catering to other people’s aesthetics.
This has been the main issue I have contended with when deciding to come back, as it is a hard thing to avoid absorbing (and don’t even get me started on review culture! That’s another blog post in itself). Women are told constantly that their value is measured by their youth and beauty in mainstream society, never mind when they are involved in an industry where your literal value is significantly calculated on your ability to be young and beautiful (although there are many other factors; ethnicity, gender identity, class, nationality, disabilities. It’s actually termed the whorearchy, a term that tries to encompass the different “levels” of sex workers, if you want to look it up, there is a good thread here). Couple this with the stigma and alienation that comes almost part and parcel with being a sex worker (of any type), and without considerable hard work, a good support network and constant honest self awareness and reflection, these negative ideas can unwillingly permeate your sense of self and esteem, and social media exposure just magnifies it, especially when it requires such a heavy focus on your physical form. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, it really did a number on me, as not only are you trying to cater to other peoples beauty standards, you are trying to attain standards that are often completely unattainable. Never mind what an unhealthy and distorted way of valuing yourself this is. I realised that this had quite a bit to do with me feeling “burnt out” I didn’t feel as good about myself as my self esteem and image had become warped by focusing to much on factors that used to feel relatively unimportant. I used to value myself based on things I had achieved, and qualities like my resilience, adventurousness, kindness, and open mind. I liked my body, I liked my face, I had never felt the need to look like a Victoria Secret model as there was no need to, it wasn’t my job to be beautiful, but then there I was, despairing about whole host of minor physical imperfections like they represented who I really was. I was shocked and quite upset upon realisation of this, as it showed that despite my best attempts my well being had been negatively impacted by this work, which was a promise I had made to myself that I would not let happen. So going forward, I am keeping this in mind, and that is part of the reason why I am back on a “see how it goes” basis, if I feel that mind-set beginning to come back, then I will step back for good.
Also, this means I will be adopting a more authentic presentation for meetings. I was spending much more time on my hair and makeup than I would usually, and it was because I had begun to feel so insecure, not good! I felt it was required for me to look a certain way, and that the conventional, mainstream idea of what is considered sexy (and the one that is prized and most sought after in this industry) was the only way to be. Besides adopting a “Sadie” hair and makeup style, I found I acquired a section of “Sadie clothes” in my wardrobe, and to be honest they were clothes I kind of disliked, ones I would never wear unless it was for a booking. When I bought them I wasn’t buying them for me, it was like I was choosing clothes for another person. A much more feminine, conservative look, Kate Middleton basically. Putting on clothes that I had chosen to appeal for someone else, really didn’t help me get into the mindset of going on an authentic date, it made it feel like work, which is why it had begun to feel so draining, and which is really the antithesis of I want this to feel like, I understand some providers feel a sense of fun or even protection in a persona, but I felt it was a very tiring facade to maintain, and so this is the reason why I will no longer be doing that. The way I have gone on here, if we met you would probably be surprised that I am actually dressed very normally, I will just look more casual and understated. It isn’t like I am an outlandish dresser, quite the opposite! But it is something I was doing that needed to change, as the reasons behind it were not good for me. I feel very vulnerable posting this, but I hope it helps you understand me a little better, where I have been during this last year and where I am at now. Which is a much happier place, and I hope it helps you understand why I may not be available very much anymore, no longer offer incalls, and look a little more natural, but I will also be a lot more relaxed, comfortable and happy, and therefore better company.
3rd December 2018
So I have had a couple of bookings now and they have both been so much fun. They were both with people I have met before and it was great to see them again. I was extremely nervous before the first one, I felt like I had never done this before! Though my fears were unfounded and it went swimmingly.
I need to get some new photos taken as my hair is considerably longer now than in the current ones (and a little darker), but all the photographers I like seem to be in Australia. I’m thinking of borrowing my sister’s camera and getting a tripod and booking myself a nice suite and just doing it myself. Although winter isn’t really the best time, I found your photos look a hundred times better when the sun in shining.
21st November 2018
Panic over! P411 is reinstated!
15th November 2018
Oops, my AW has also been forever deleted. I didn’t really use the site but it has the majority of my reviews, so if you are new and see the broken links on my reviews page, they are genuine I promise.
14th November 2018
Hello again, it has been quite some time. Currently trying to sort my site out, renew all my ads, sort out my broken links and rejoin p411 (it’s been deactivated and they aren’t accepting new accounts! This will be a major pain in the arse if I can’t be reinstated. Doh!) I should be available for outcalls soon.
10th October 2017
Hello! I am unfortunately having to wind my availability down due to other commitments taking up so much of my time. I am still available to meet for outcalls but my availability will be limited, with priority given to regular clients. Unfortunately I currently have no plans to offer incall appointments for the foreseeable future.
30th August 2017
I get a lot of questions about Tantra, asking what it actually entails. All I can say is that it is not possible to answer this succinctly, as the term encompasses thousands of years of tradition, rituals and practices and there are many, many interpretations of this by people. Personally, I practice a more modern, non religious type of tantra. I would recommend the book Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas, if you would like to know more, it is a great, accessible introduction!
In other news, I think it is time to get some new photos! I’ve been inspired seeing some wonderful shoots on twitter, I think I will be using Nadia Rose again. So now the outfit/lingerie shopping begins!
5th August 2017
I am currently taking some time to concentrate on other things so my availability is very limited. Also I am not able to tend to my emails so please do not take no response as a no, I will be back to normal in September!
18th May 2017
So I am back! I had a lovely time away, I ended up visiting Madrid and Barcelona. I have friends in Barcelona and I can’t for the life of me understand why it has taken me so long to visit them! I have been a little under the weather the last few days, so add that to my time away and I am quite behind on my emails. I have amassed quite a few, so I am slowly working through them. If you do not hear from me by the end of the week, please try me again as it may be that I have somehow overlooked you!
23rd March 2017
Recently I have become totally disenchanted with my name! Sadie. Ugh! I used to really like this name but now it’s become just… meh. It’s not quite semantic satiation, it is more it has just lost it’s appeal. It is funny how we assign meaning to names, like they can in anyway infer certain characteristics or traits. I think we all have certain names we dislike because it was the name of someone who we found annoying! No annoying Sadie comes to mind though so not sure what brought this on. Previously I was Sophie, which now I think was nicer (though I felt it was boring at the time), I guess the change was kind of like when women cut their hair short or drastically change the colour/style, it often hints that they are undergoing some kind of transitional period in life, which certainly was the case with me! Someone told me Sadie O’Shea sounds a bit like a Burlesque strippers name which made me laugh and I would have to agree. At least that means it is catchy.
7th March 2017
Planning a holiday. I realised I haven’t left the country in 18 months! I guess moving to a new city, with a new job, friends, home and all the other experiences that come with relocating, has satisfied my need for stimulation. I have been so busy with everything else going on in my life that time has just flown by, but now I keep catching myself daydreaming about the places I’d like to visit. I am getting itchy feet again! The last time I lived on another continent I regretted that I had not explored Europe enough, I realised there was so many countries I had never visited. With no excuse, there is nowhere else where you can experience so many different cultures, all relatively affordable and quick to travel to. I vowed that if I ever returned I would make this right, I had a long list of cities that I would visit… and so far I have only struck one off this list! So this year I’ve made a promise to myself to try and visit three, even if it is just for a weekend. I’m hoping for Berlin, Copenhagen and Budapest. Though I might trade one for Iceland in the summer!
2nd March 2017
It really isn’t my year for technology. My beloved laptop is slowly dying and giving me constant grief, despite a recent factory reset due to some annoying Malware that just would not die. Now the key board/USB ports and sensor pad have all decided at the same time to start working only when they feel like it, so I think I must bite the bullet and buy a new one before this one goes out the window for my own sanity. I still have my phone to check and send emails, but as I hate composing messages by phone, please bear that in mind if my communication comes off a little short.
By the way have you seen this?:
Not quite Pris from Blade Runner, but I would love to see the progression of robotics, say 50 years from now and the effect and influence it would have had on the sex industry (never mind the rest of society). Would it even exist anymore? Would people look back at it like the Devadasi and Oiran? I don’t think it would be an adequate replacement for anyone seeking shared intimacy and a connection from a sexual encounter, although I guess that comes down to somebodies power to suspend disbelief! I guess they would be great for the lonely and sexually frustrated, or just an extremely sophisticated sex toy! However, they need to properly mimic human skin, I’ve touched a real doll and it felt exactly like you think it would feel like, a cold, inert latex doll, I couldn’t imagine it providing much pleasure. Apparently you can warm it up though (with an electric blanket) though they are still incredibly stiff. These super, future bots however could help someone with low sexual confidence regain enjoyment and explore their sexuality without them feeling anxious about the possible pressure of expectation or judgement from another person. They could be programmed to be like a puzzle, with difficulty settings, and you have to try to decipher the sexual wishes of your robot companion to win the game, like sexual skills training! You could have the ability to have sex with someone whenever you wanted, who looks anyway you desire, without any trace of age, asymmetry and free of imperfections, what would this do to people’s perception of beauty? Real humans would look terrible! Though I can imagine that cosmetic surgery and anti ageing technology would be pretty advanced and prolific by then. We will all be walking around looking like this:
28th February 2017
Nearly March already! March is a good month for me, I have a lot more free time, plus you know Spring is on the way, which does something to everybody’s mood. Mine especially 🙂
6th February 2017
Hello, finally back to normal and in my Fitzrovia apartment again for the first time this year. My gratitude goes out to those of you that have been patient with me on the communication front. I had a LOAD of emails awaiting me, and it has taken me a while to read through and answer them all, I have not had to deal with so many new enquiries at once before and got rather muddled with who’s who. However I am looking forward to meeting some new faces soon and catching up with some of those I have missed!
20th December 2016
I am now unavailable until the end of January. Clients well known to me can contact me and maybe we can work something out but I should be back and available for meetings around the beginning of February, Merry Xmas and happy new year to you all!
4th December 2016
So we are 4 days into December and I feel burnt out already. Maybe it is just that “Sunday after a heavy weekend” feeling. I want to detox already, but then when next Friday comes I develop sudden amnesia. It was quite wild, I’ll say that much, but for the discretion of all involved, and to retain my personal reputation as a woman of virtue, I won’t be revealing any details here.
Aside from the partying and excuse for hedonism, I can take or leave the Christmas season, the excessive consumerism and extravagant gift giving makes me gag a little. I live quite near Oxford Street so occasionally have to venture down to pick something up last minute and it’s unbearable already! Although when isn’t it? My personal vision of hell is having to walk up and down Oxford Street in the last week of December with a never ending list of things to buy, for all eternity. It will be nice to see family though, it is rare that we are all together, my family is quite large and this will be our first Christmas all together in about 5 years. Also, I think my Christmas gift to myself will be either a Doxy wand or a Lilo vibrator. It should make January more bearable.
I don’t think I will be leaving the house today, as fragile as I am feeling, and I know it will probably get worse as the day progresses. Plans for today involve some friends visiting and I think we will order in a roast dinner and watch films. God bless Deliveroo.
26th November 2016
A lovely client bought me a Polaroid camera and bundle of film to get me started. So far, I can’t seem to resist taking none stop photos of myself, which when I shared with my friend Sara, she agreed they are extremely sexy, something about the physicality of an actual photo, a material thing you can hold in your hand, without the disposable nature of digital, seems to make it a little more provocative than the run of the mill iphone snap. Anyway, I may post a few on my Twitter and hopefully get some of my gorgeous friends to model for me.
18th November 2016
December already looks to be a very busy month for me, I am booked up for about two thirds of my available days already, and personal invitations and events keep cropping up all the time (tis the season) so please get in touch now if you would like to see me to avoid disappointment. New clients will only be able to book in advance with a small deposit (Bank or Amazon gift voucher). After the festive season I will be taking some time off, from 22nd December until late January, and possibly will be in a new location, although hopefully this will still be in W1. Anyway, I better go, having dinner at one of my favourite restaurants tonight and then spending the weekend outside London with friends and haven’t packed!
Currently reading: Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World – Adam Grant
Currently Listening to: The Smiths. Hatful of Hollow in particular.
Watching: Westworld (Totally sucked me in).
10th November 2016
Well, despite my best intentions, over a week has passed since I last wrote. I have always been a terrible diary keeper, I found a few of my (absolutely mortifying) teenage diaries a few years ago and it was a saving grace to find that they had been so sporadically maintained. Also, now the season of hibernation is upon us, any time I have not devoted to work and study, I just want to stay at home wrapped up enjoying a good book. Most enjoyable, however it doesn’t bode well for blog topics. I am currently reading Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks, which I recommend. I do notice in Winter that the rate I make my way through books is about double (even triple!) that of Summer, so the silver lining to this quiet living is that I can finally catch up on the pile of books on my night stand that has been steadily building up the last few months. I will write again when the party season begins and I am feeling much more hedonistic.
1st November 2016
Had a photo shoot with Nadia Rose today. It went really well but I forgot how tiring they are! Started at 11am and finished around 5pm, photo shoots are like a Yoga class, lots of uncomfortable contortions must be held in order to get good shots! Though they are also really fun, and it was great to try out all my new lingerie, I can’t wait to see the final results. I can’t recommend Nadia enough, although it was a long day it was also one of the most laid back, relaxed shoots I have ever had, and I think that always leads to good photos. Anyway, I will upload the photos when I get them back in around a weeks time.